Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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