"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
