I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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