So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
