didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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