I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
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By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
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I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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