she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
