i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
