Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
