he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
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I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
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I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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