Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
