i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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