went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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