i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
