I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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