i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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