i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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