I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
