i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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