yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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