I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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