Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
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We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
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Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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