She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
