Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
