I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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