i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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