put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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