Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
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Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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