I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you inspire me to be a worse person
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
