i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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