He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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