I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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