I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
