come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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