Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
