one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
