jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
