everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
