Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
