Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
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He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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