i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
