some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
