I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
