I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i barfeds in our rink
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
