I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
