this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
