Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
