I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
