I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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