you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
