Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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