I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
