Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so let's talk penis.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize