Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
DRUNK COOKIES
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