I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
