Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
