You can't motorboat a personality
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
