Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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