after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
